Working Mom Guilts

So number three is going to be here in 29 days! We are literally counting down each day, sometime the hours-no joke. I cannot wait to hold her, stroke her, and just breath in newborn baby. I am also excited to have some time off of work to spend time with the boys, especially during summer vacation. BUT I am also thinking about how work is going to be without me-how will they survive without my genius-who will take care of my clients, emails, phone calls? Is anyone else capable of doing it? OF COURSE!

 I work with an amazing company that will run just as it did before me like a well oiled machine. But it makes me nervous. As soon as the thoughts come charging at me, even in my dreams I then relent to guilt. I should be relishing this time with the family, only focused on them. Unfortunately, I am not one of those mom's that can turn off the fact that I do like to work. I like to have a place that is not completely connected to my family where I am my own person. But what goes along with that is the guilt that is associated with thinking,"Am I a selfish person because I need that time?" Is it okay that other people spend more time with my kids during the work week than me? Is it okay that I can be preoccupied with a spreadsheet when I am sitting on the floor playing legos? Is it okay that I am preoccupied with my maternity leave at work? Really ladies, does the guilt ever cease?

I think being pregnant, especially in my last month my hormones are a little crazed to say the least and the guilt sets in faster and longer. My nights are consumed with caring for my family, not to mention the early hours of the morning but sometimes it is just not good enough. When does the balance come in?

With both of the boys I was very lucky that I was able to spend their first year of their lives with them with minimal childcare. With number 3 I don't have that luxury. I will be taking 12 weeks off but not fully. The first 4 weeks will be without work completely. The next 4 I am working part time from home with her and the last 4 will be working full time from home. She is not even here and I am fretting about the 13th week when I have to put her in day care. I still have not found full time care for her and Alex come this fall. The original place I planned on bringing them closed after 30+ years last week. I shed a tear, literally.

Balancing work and family is hard. The more we grow, it seems the harder it gets. My mother-in-law mentioned to me that is why most women stay home when 3 come into play. If our kids were maybe closer in age I think I would consider it more but not long from now Alex will be in full time preschool and then it would just be baby and me. We don't have the luxury of living off one income so regardless I would have to assume an income one way or another in the evenings or weekends. Then I miss out on family time when Erik is home.

Interesting enough, that I do know that when she finally arrives nothing else will matter to me. I remember that feeling...nothing else matters except their safety, security, and your love for them. Cannot wait for those endorphins to tell this mom guilt to stick it.