Circumstance

2012 is an interesting year for me. The last 5 years have been a roller-coaster. We had many things happen that were unexpected, surprising,  even turbulent but we survived. In the grand scheme of things not anything that we couldn't handle but when you are in the moment you don't always realize that it may be a valuable lesson in hindsight. I am proud of the fact that we made it through infertility-yay Alex, unemployment, unsuccessful business ventures, jobs of desperation, completely unexpected baby-yay Talia, thoughts of will we get through this together? We did and we are here more intact than we have ever been. I no longer lay awake at night wondering how we are going to pay the pile of bills on my desk, when I go to bed I sleep, I do not toss and turn. Erik and I speak to each other like normal human beings every day. The house is not on the verge of crumbling down because I have not had time to put away 5 loads of laundry, do the dishes, or vacuum. My brain is getting enough activity that it isn't all dedicated to being a mom that I am satisfied. I am content. The only thing that shakes me a little bit is the guilt with being content.

When things seem to fall into place I tend to feel guilty.That maybe I don't deserve it. But this year is different. I feel like I have earned this stage of contentment and I am learning daily to be at peace with it. Does that mean that emotions still don't still run high when one of the kids are pushing me? No. Does it mean that Erik and I still don't have the battle over who is going to feed Talia at her 6 am wake up call? No. But now instead of it becoming something bigger than what it is. I just let it be. When you live in the moment life becomes more satisfying. With all the worries and heartache our family endured I think that I missed out on some of those moments because I was so distracted about the future. Unfortunately, we cannot control the future but we can control today.

One of my dearest friends called my a little while back. The conversation started out typical. She asked me,"How are you today?" I responded without really thinking about it."I am good." I paused for a minute and really thought about it. "Actually, I am great!" It was so empowering to stop, think, and state exactly what I was feeling and mean it. I lived in the moment and it felt AMAZING! Its like when you get in the car to go somewhere and by the time you arrive there you don't remember the drive. You have succumbed to autopilot. The drive is the most crucial part of the trip. You need to be engaged.

I am not speaking with rose colored glasses on. Life happens and I know we have many more things to battle in the future. My resolution for myself is to take it as it comes and enjoy the wins, learn any lesson I can from the losses. Since I was a young child I have felt a sense of responsibility to make sure that those around me are content and happy. This year is about teaching myself to do the same. Right now it feels pretty dang good.