It is true!

You heard it here, right now, from the source. I am going to start counseling this week. This past year has been really hard for me and I find myself in funks that I can't talk myself out of any longer. I think that when you are constantly trying to do things to make yourself feel better and nothing is working it is time to dig in. I am finding that I have gotten really sensitive, irritable, only want to sleep and eat chocolate. There are days where I am so anxious I feel like I am drowning. I don't really feel like anything excites me anymore. My confidence is pretty much at an all time low which we all know is not normal :). Please don't post pity comments, not what I need. I just want to write this because I have to for me right now. After Alex was born I struggled with postpartum and was put on Zoloft, that helped and took the edge off. Shortly after the company that I had loved and help grow from the beginning went bankrupt. That about killed me. Having ups and downs with Erik which is completely normal after the new addition, our lives were turned upside down. Alex has been the perfect addition to our family but came at an odd time in my life. Deciding to start my own business has been hard. Nobody really understands what I do, I don't get praised by any bosses for the work I do and I am one that likes to be stroked when I am doing well, and constantly second guessing if I am making the right decision I think has reflected into my personal life not being able to make decisions without constantly second guessing myself. Another trait that I have picked up this last year that is not my ideal. Finances have been tough for us this year. I am accustomed to being able to do what I want when I want and buy things without a second thought. That does not happen anymore. The fees that I make for the business go right back into it so not a lot of reward comes from the business yet. Waitressing on top of working full time so we can stay barely afloat has been hard on my pride, my body-I am not 21 anymore and on my feet all night hurts the next day, and affects my husband as well as my children. The boys schedules sometimes get thrown off because of it and then I have the "mom guilt's". The husband gets stressed because he feels like he is doing everything because I am working all the time, not to mention that he is laid off in the interim. We put Charlie to sleep this year which has devastated our family and in ways thrown our "equilibrium" off. We thought we found a replacement this past weekend but have now decided today that he is just irreplaceable. I am lonely. I am lost, scared, sad, and drowning. It is time for me to take the control back and figure this stuff out because I feel disconnected from myself right now. A feeling I have not had in 15 years. So please say a little prayer for me, I need it right now.