Woke up okay today...than I opened up the curtains to let Betty out. BIG MISTAKE! Completely threw me a curve ball with the fresh snow on my deck. Immediately I wanted to lay on the ground and throw a tantrum like a toddler. I seriously contemplated it but didn't because I knew I would have a helluva time getting back up. Alex had already woken me up so my next chore was to wake up Anthony. He was not moving fast. I was impatient because it feels like I am late for work everyday by 5-7 minutes because the child is SLLLOOOWWWW. Not kind of slow, really slow. Kind of like watching paint dry. Unless there is something in it for him he takes his sweet time. This morning I had it! I put Alex in the car and ran in to find him staring at his winter boots with dread. I completely understood how he felt. But I snapped and I yelled! Not the I am warning yell but the kind that comes out of your mouth that you yourself rarely hear. The kind you mom would yell and every hair on your body would stand up. I did it. I felt ashamed. But, he knew I was serious.
After he got in the car Alex says,"Mom, you quit talking to Anthony like that." Anthony responded,"It's not her fault." I want to burst into tears because I was mortified that I yelled at him like that. I hated it when my mom and dad yelled at me. Growing up we were definitely a vocal family and I promised myself I would not become a yeller. How do you break the cycle? I really do not want to be a yeller but it is my natural instinct when I get really frustrated. Like me raising my voice is going to get them to listen faster or more consistently. WRONG! Most of the time I can hold it together but there are times where I swear I am reacting 10 times faster than I am processing it. Does it make me feel better? Maybe for a millisecond than I feel like an idiot for being a bad role model to my kids and acting exactly like I preach to them not to. But being a mom is not easy. Being a pregnant mom is worse. So hopefully I did not scar either of my children this morning. Our new baby is probably like,"WTH am I getting into?"
1 comment:
Hang in there girl. I know when I was prego the last time I was ready to kill someone. My mood snapped so easily.
Congrats on the last trimester!!!!! So excited. You will have the perfect name when you see her for the first time. Don't pressure yourself, but enjoy the ride. :)
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